The New Director
by OzGeek
Summary: Written for NFA's Gender Bender Challenge where one regular NCIS character is the opposite gender. I based mine on the scene from Silver War just after the new Director arrives and Abby thinks she is a he. Oneshot,crack!fic.


NFA Gender Bender Challenge details:

_For this challenge pick your favorite character and swap their gender. Then either rewrite a canon scene to accommodate the swap or write something original. You can pick ONE of the main characters to swap  
(Gibbs, Tony, Kate, Ziva, McGee, Abby, Palmer, Ducky, Jen). Unless the swap was some sort  
of dream or chemically induced hallucination – the character  
should stay the opposite gender like they were born to it. _

_Due Date: July 4th, 2008  
Length: Minimum 1200 words, no max limit  
Rating: Any – just annotate  
Pairings: Any (and won't this change things up)  
Slash: Allowed – just annotate  
Seasons: 1-4 only please_

This challenge immediately made me think of the scene in Silver War (Season 3, episode 4) where Abby thinks the Director is a male. This was my inspiration but I have expanded the scene a lot and removed as many gender specific terms as I could find except for the actual Director so that I could chose which character was the gender swap as the last thing. I should say, I quite like Jenny and this fic is not meant to offend her fans. It's just an exaggeration of the cannon scene.

* * *

**The New Director**

Wobbling precariously on classical pump heels, Abby shuffled through the lab; the length of each stride defined by the hemmed circumference of a powder blue A-line business skirt.

The lab door slid open with a gentle hiss and Gibbs, Tony, McGee and the new team addition Ziva, hustled in at a cracking pace only to be brought to a speedway-crash halt as they simultaneously laid eyes on the new outfit.

"Whoa!" Tony cried running into McGee's back.

"Abs?" said Gibbs in bewilderment, blue eyes roaming over Abby's twin set as though they wanted to look away and couldn't.

"I look like a freak, don't I?" Abby wailed.

"Ah, no you look..um," Tony choked.

"Don't humour me," Abby growled.

"See, I don't think it's that bad," McGee said pragmatically trying to deflect attention from Tony quietly retching in the corner.

"I'm a freak!" Abby repeated, "freak, freak, freak."

"Are you referring to that spider web tattoo on your neck?" Ziva ventured. "Because that looks like it has been drawn on by a makeup artist – I'm sure it could be removed."

"No!" Abby snapped. "I am referring to this librarian monstrosity of an outfit."

"If you feel that way then why are you wearing it, Abs," Gibbs inquired carefully.

"Because," Abby exploded snatching a crumpled piece of white paper from the lab bench and waving it in the air, "one of the Director's new admin weenies brought me this memo last night."

Gibbs grabbed Abby's arm and squinted at the paper, deciphered slowly: "NCIS Dress Code."

"Dress code!" Abby confirmed, stomping unstably around the lab and waving the paper once again. "The Director says I'm in violation! Me: The epitome of NCIS style! He says I'm in violation – I'll violate him! Oh no wait: that didn't come out right."

"It's not a he," Gibbs interjected unsuccessfully.

"No one has ever dictated style to a Scuito and no one ever will. Do you know how many job offers I've had at places where I could work naked?"

"Really?" Tony pounced, "where?"

Gibbs fought back the naked Abby images while simultaneously whacking Tony on the back of the head. "Ahh, what exactly does the memo say, Abs?"

Abby slammed to a halt and read out aloud. "Platform boots: occupation health and safety issue, spiked armbands: occupation health and safety issue, spiked dog collar: occupation health and safety issue, micro-shorts: occupation health and safety issue and inappropriate wear for NCIS employees."

"I like the micro-shorts," said Tony.

"Everyone loves my micro-shorts," said Abby. "They get shorter every year."

"I can fix this Abby," Gibbs promised, calmly.

"That's not all!" Abby continued unabated. "Hair in pigtails: occupation health and safety issue – may get caught in equipment. All hair must be secured away from the face while, at the same time, bearing no resemblance to Mickey Mouse ears!"

A grin spread over McGee's face until Abby's glare caused it to slink away.

"Body art shall be covered by clothing or makeup," Abby read on.

"So it was the spider's web!" said Ziva smugly.

Abby paused to growl at Ziva. "Do you know how much makeup I would need to use to cover all the tats on my body? Skin needs to breath, I could suffocate!"

"You could always wear less revealing clothing," McGee offered limply.

Abby ignored McGee's pointless offering and grabbed another piece of paper from the lab bench. "And then, I get this recommended list of attire: suggested outfits - one for men, one for women. It's bad enough that I have to wear a monkey suit for court appearances, but look at this!"

"I think you look nice," said Ziva encouragingly.

"Nice?!" Abby yelled. "You think I look nice?"

"Well, um..." Ziva, the previously fearless Mossad operative, retreated behind Tony to quake.

"I look like….like," Abby searched for the words.

"Career Girl Barbie," Tony offered.

"With the matching pumps!" McGee added helpfully.

"Our respect for you already bottomed out, Probie," Tony warned. "Don't dig."

"Oh my God, you're right," Abby screamed. "I am Career Girl Barbie. Next thing you know I'll be having breast enhancements, living in a caravan with an anatomically incorrect boyfriend and looking after some mysterious little girl named Kelly."

"Didn't you used to have one of those Boss?" Tony risked, cringing in anticipation.

A quick slap to the head from Gibbs sent Tony sprawling on the ground.

"I can't work like this Gibbs," said Abby, ignoring Tony's groans.

"I'll take care of it Abs. I'll talk to her…"

"I'm allergic to polyester. It makes me itch. It's a medical condition. I have weak ankles; I need the boots for support. I could get a note from the doctor. The spikes are a religious observance – NCIS can't discriminate against me for wearing the uniform of my faith. The shorts are .. are… a hygiene issue: I need ventilation or I get life-threatening genital diseases."

"And we need them to get our hearts started every morning," called Ducky from the intercom.

"Oh Ducky!" Abby ran to the monitor. "Have you heard?"

"Yes," grumbled the old Medical Examiner. "Apparently red suspenders and animal motif bow ties aren't sanctioned NCIS wear either. Not to mention my broad brimmed white floppy hat. No: now I need to wear an official NCIS logo hat with no covering for the back of the neck. The increased risk of skin cancer is astronomical. This new Director needs a good swift kick up the …."

"What happened to the old Director," Abby sobbed. "Old NCIS never complained about our clothing."

"Old Director got a better offer," said Ducky ruefully. "Working on a fashion magazine, I believe"

"What's next!" cried Abby.

"Well for a start," McGee replied, "my memo said something about field agents are to reside at either their desks or in the field. They will not spend their time fraternizing with the resident forensic scientist."

"Ha ha!" Tony mocked, rising from the floor.

"I see you haven't read the email," said McGee flatly.

Tony froze. "What email."

"The one that says demeaning McNicknames are defamatory and introduces the new 'one strike and you're out' sexual harassment laws."

Ziva sighed in relief. "Well, at least I'm safe."

McGee raised a cynical eyebrow. "Sure: except that you are a non-US citizen in a US government building."

"So?"

"So you have to be escorted everywhere – including the bathrooms."

"Give me 10 minutes alone with this Director," Ziva vowed, "and we shall see who ends up in the bathroom."

"This is a nightmare," Abby moaned.

"Speaking of which," Palmer piped up from the Autopsy's monitor. "They've put night surveillance monitors in all the rooms. No privacy in this place at night in the observation room, the bull pen, Autopsy….they even put cameras in the gym, where are we supposed to make out now….why is everyone looking at me like that?"

Palmer fell sideways off the screen as Ducky reappeared.

"This is getting ridiculous," Ducky said. "Now I have to have a GPS in the van. What ever happened to good old fashioned map reading? It's always been good enough for me."

"It's a violation of human rights," Abby concurred. "No stuffed and/or flatulent toys in the lab, no forensic artwork on the walls: we're turning into a policing service!"

"Abby!" Gibbs yelled to break through the increasingly hysterical monologue.

There was a tearful, breathless pause.

"I'll take care of it," Gibbs promised. "It's not as bad as you think."

"I take it from your tone, you haven't seen the new memo on the elevator," said Ducky mildly.

Gibbs voice held a dangerous tone. "What memo?"

"Yes, I thought you'd missed that one. They've disabled that elevator emergency stop button – occupational heath and safety issue. Where are you and Fornell going to hold your little te-a-tets now?"

Gibb's eyes narrowed. "Now, it's personal."

"Now, it's personal?" Abby complained.

"I will fix this." Gibbs promised solemnly. "New Director use to be my Probie – we've slept together."

"Boss," said Tony in surprise, "I never knew you went that way."

"The director is a SHE," Gibbs yelled. "Have you all got that? A woman, female, redhead: my type."

Abby raced over and hugged Gibbs tight. "Oh thank you."

"Just one thing," said Gibbs.

"What?"

"That letter the Director sent about appropriate attire."

"Uh ha?"

"She highlighted the men's list, Abner."

* * *

**END**

_Author notes:_

_There was absolutely nothing in the rules about cross dressing - I checked. _

_In fact at the start, the male Abby was just a flamboyant guy with tats who liked to dress in boots, spiked collars etc.: a bit like Michael in Bloodbath. I specifically used micro-shorts rather than mini-skirts so that the idea was he didn't normally wear dresses - although why mirco-shorts got Ducky's heart started in the morning is anyone's guess. The idea in my mind was that the court 'monkey suit' was simply a normal men's suit and he simply read the wrong list on the recommended attire._

_Of course, it could all also be read in the Corporal Max Kilinger way that he was a cross dresser and chose the woman's list. My Abby was also a long haired guy who liked to tie his hair back in two pig-tails instead of a single pony tail - that's his Abby-like off the wall behaviour._

_Maybe I should have done the Witch Hunt scene in the Munroe dress..._


End file.
